It’s New Year’s resolutions time, which has me shamefully recalling a whole lot of old resolutions focused on my weight or appearance (sigh). In reflecting on this past year, I’m envisioning 2019 being a whole lot different in many ways. And right now, it’s time to get real.
I’ve made a lot of progress this past year around my body and self-love, but there’s always growth to be made. And while I’ve made strides to love my body for what it is, it was hard this year to not get fixated on it. I’ve lost weight and people have taken notice – but I’ve realized that’s a really empty feeling to lean on. Because at the end of the day, you’re standing there with yourself – but if you’re so focused on your appearance that can leave a lot of emptiness, right? It’s so important to have pride in other areas of your life and recognize yourself as more than just your body – because we are all SO much more than that. That was a huge reminder for me this year.
I consider myself a body positive blogger, but what I’ve learned is that doesn’t mean I’m perfect and have all my shit worked out – I certainly don’t. I have moments of insecurity, doubt, unhappiness – you name it. But it only makes me stronger in the end, and only makes me want to come out fighting for body positivity and self-love in the world even harder.
I’ve seen so many terrible, terrible things happening with body image, especially on social media – like people fat shaming and skinny shaming others constantly. It makes me sick when other people take their own insecurities out on other people (which I really think is true).
I’m proud of myself for taking one of my huge insecurities and flipping it on its head to inspire and motivate others to love themselves. I am. But I’m also not proud of myself for these sometimes looming feelings I have or not writing about it often enough – I think to myself, “I’m a body image blogger, darn it!”
But what I’m working on moving into 2019 is forgiveness.
Forgive your body for gaining a couple pounds over the holidays, because it meant spending quality time with the people you love and the numbers don’t matter. Forgive yourself for putting something on the back burner, because you’re allowed to live your life and find your passions your own way.
In the back half of 2018, I pretty much completely stopped writing for my blog. I had so many other things on my mind and prioritized other things – like fitness/running a triathlon, taking care of myself and mental health, spending time with friends, working, traveling, relaxing, etc. And while I sometimes want to smack myself and go, “Ugh, Kenzie. You need to work on your blog more, what are you doing?!” I’m choosing forgiveness. I’m choosing to forgive myself from taking a little hiatus, because I’m allowed to live my life. I’m allowed to live out my passions, and it’s not always going to be picture perfect or give me inspiration to write every day. And that’s okay.
Spending time reflecting has me realizing how much pressure there really is in this world – pressure to have a “perfect” life, have a ton of money, have a perfectly DIY’ed home, have a perfect blog, have a boyfriend/fiancé/husband, look amazing in a swimsuit – okay, maybe this is what I’m seeing but I think everyone else is seeing it on their social media feeds, too. There’s pressure all around us, and it can be completely anxiety inducing at times. And this applies to the blogging world too, as there are a lot of “picture perfect” or seemingly “better” bloggers out there that might mess with your mind.
But I have to go back and think about WHY I’m doing things, and ask myself, “Am I doing it to be this perfect blogger?” I don’t want to live like that – I want to live MY life for me (and recognize it’s okay to feel a little lost in that sometimes). For a while, I had nothing that was really speaking to me so I didn’t write for a bit. I can forgive myself for that, because that pressure I’m putting on myself to be this amazing blogger is for what? I started my blog because I wanted to empower people to love themselves, educate them on body image, and write. I can still do that in my everyday life, through my Instagram, in person, or privately, but not necessarily write things publicly every week to be a good “blogger.” So that’s what I’m doing – forgiving myself – and remembering everyone is on their own journey.
I have serious goals for myself in 2019 – one of them is to continue writing for my blog more frequently. But I also want to start a podcast, go on more dates, keep pushing fitness goals, get promoted at work… the list goes on. But while I have so many things I want to work on, I also want to forgive myself if things aren’t PERFECTLY met, because that’s life. So whatever inspires you in the moment, makes you feel good, moves you closer to your goals, do it! And don’t do it for the gram… do it for YOU.
Cheers to a happy and healthy 2019! What are your resolutions?